That's Hospitality
by Slothspieller
Summary: On the run from the AX forces, the intrepid members of the RCO find themselves taking refugue in a very unlikely place, a trailer park! A lighthearted romp starring Dietrich, Isaak, Cain, and Radu, along with a charming young lady.
1. Chapter 1

**That's Hospitality – A Trinity Blood Humor Fanfiction.**

Disclaimer: I do not own the Trinity Blood characters or the songs mentioned in this story. With the exception of my original character, they are the properties of their respective creators and artists.

Rated K+ (PG) for mild crude and suggestive humor.

Introduction: In this lighthearted tale, I entreat you, dear reader, to suspend your inevitable disbelief and enjoy this surreal romp with the hapless members of the Rozenkreuz Orden. As in all of my stories, Isaak is of Chinese descent.

High above the dark outskirts of the sprawling metropolis, a group of AX spy planes circled in formation. Far below lay the smoldering ruins of the seemingly inconspicuous building that the aircraft had pelted with bombs minutes earlier.

In the cockpit of the lead plane the radio crackled to life. "Squadron Leader, report, was the mission a success? Did you succeed in destroying the RCO's secret base?"

The squadron leader shook his head. "Negative. Although the building itself was obliterated, it appears the occupants managed to escape before their base was completely destroyed." With a growl of frustration, the pilot alerted his comrades over the radio. "Spread out and search for the fugitives in the surrounding area. Our target couldn't have covered much ground!" At his command, the surrounding planes broke formation and skimmed away across the cloud flecked night sky.

Meanwhile, far below on the ground, a dark, hulking, and slightly singed armored steel tank trundled determinedly along through the desolate outskirts of the city. Despite the clanking and clattering of the vehicle's machinery, the incessant sounds of heated banter issuing from within refused to be drowned out by the noise. Inside the armored tank rode the irascible members of the Rozenkreuz Orden. The cramped passenger compartment of the tank was made even more uncomfortable by the luggage and haphazard piles of equipment hastily rescued before the destruction of their base.

Leaning menacingly over a suitcase held together with tape, Dietrich glared at Radu. "Do you have ANY kind of explanation for you actions!?"

The dusky skinned vampire returned the marionettespieller's glare. "Hey, our base was in flames! You know, in an emergency there are priorities."

Dietrich turned his eyes heavenward in exasperation. "So, you mean to inform Cain that the plans for the ultimate top secret super weapon Isaak and I spent years developing were lost when the headquarters were bombed, but your collection of Arabic pop music CDs are safe and sound!?" he snarled.

Incensed by this remark, Radu brandished a handful of garishly colored CDs. "Excuse me, but this is the only copy of Rachid Taha's classic album to survive the Armageddon war!" stated the vampire indignantly.

Flicking his wrists, Dietrich began materializing his strings in Radu's direction. "If I have to listen to "Rock el Casbah" one more time, I swear I'm going to-"

Suddenly, Cain emerged from beneath a stack of spare uniforms and shot a withering look at his argumentative subordinates before shouting in the direction of the tank's control room. "Hey Isaak!"

"Yes, mein Herr?" came the response.

"Are we there yet!?" yelled the impatient Crusnik, "I'm getting hungry, and these two are making total nuisances of themselves!" Upon hearing this, Radu muttered a nervous apology containing the phrase "he started it" and pointed at Dietrich.

Surrounded by the complex control panels in the driver's seat of the tank, Isaak was increasingly irritated by the distractions from his task of piloting the armored vehicle.

Once again, Cain's frivolous complaints issued from the back of the tank. "Hey Isaak! Dietrich's opened a bag of chocolates and he won't give me any!"

Isaak sighed, "Mein Herr, I do apologize, but I'm engaged in driving as far away as possible before the spy planes locate us!" he shouted. Muttering darkly to himself, the harassed vampire clenched a cigarette between his teeth and gripped the steering wheel with grim determination. Suddenly, a flashing light and a piercing beep forced Isaak to turn his attention to the control panel.

"Hey Isaak! Now Dietrich's kicking the seat! Tell him to cut it out!" yelled Cain, but Isaak was too shocked to respond. The light indicated that the tank had nearly depleted its fuel. Unless a source of fuel was found quickly, the tank and its occupants would literally be sitting ducks for the AX spy planes patrolling in the sky above.

Just as Isaak realized how dire the situation had become, Dietrich appeared in the seat beside him. "Ugh, that blonde ditz was driving me to distraction back there," Dietrich said, "Huh, that light means we're almost out of fuel, right?"

Isaak glanced at his protégé. "Indeed, and since this tank was designed to run on some kind of experimental eco-friendly fuel, stopping at a gas station would be impractical as well as ineffective." As the fuel indicator edged towards empty, Isaak's mind raced frantically. If they could find a place to conceal the tank, they could either search for fuel or make their escape on foot if necessary. Suddenly, a brilliant idea flashed into his mind. The map indicated there was a trailer park near their current location, which would serve as the perfect cover for a large vehicle. From the view of the circling spy planes, the tank would be completely inconspicuous. Mentally congratulating himself, Isaak maneuvered the lumbering steel beast into the trailer park.

Between the shadows cast by the haphazardly parked mobile homes, a pair of dark figures slunk furtively. Carefully avoiding the pools of light cast by the windows of the trailers and their porch lamps, Isaak and Dietrich paused to discuss their mission.

"Heh, it's probably a good thing that Cain decided to stay behind with Radu to guard the tank," whispered Dietrich, "After all, mein Herr was getting in a thoroughly foul mood due to hunger. It's only fair that Radu has to baby-sit him once in a while."

With eyes that pierced the nocturnal darkness, Isaak surveyed the shabby yet eccentrically decorated trailers as well as the numerous decrepit fridges and mutilated sofas that lurked on their porches. A wistful feeling of nostalgia filled him as the vampire recalled the trailer park on the banks of the Yangtze from whence he himself had come. Lighting a cigarette, Isaak began humming "The Moon Over Guan-Shan" as tears nearly pricked his eyes. Then, the mage admonished himself over his sentimentality. Despite searching for nearly an hour, they still had not discovered any sources of fuel that would be suitable for the armored vehicle.

Suddenly, an unfamiliar and raucous female voice wrenched Isaak from his thoughts. "Well haaai thar! Y'all lookin' fur sumthin'?" The shocked pair spun around to behold the speaker. Clad in a skintight fuchsia pink t-shirt, a ragged denim mini skirt, and leopard print leggings, a plump young woman with bleached blonde hair piled atop her head greeted them with a jovial smile.

Dietrich would have summoned his strings to eliminate this annoyance and possible threat if Isaak had not sharply kicked him. "_Shemma bende ren!?_ (What kind of fool are you!?)" hissed the vampire in his native language, "If you create any kind of disturbance, those AX spy planes will be attracted here and find us!" Narrowing his eyes, Dietrich grudgingly reabsorbed his strings. Experience had taught him to obey Isaak's commands, especially when his mentor was angry enough to use expressions in Mandarin. With a polite bow, the mage courteously addressed her, "Good evening madam, my companion and I were simply passing through this, erm, charming neighborhood. You needn't concern yourself since we'll be on our way now."

Before the hapless pair could make their escape, the enthusiastic young woman seized their shirt collars with her glitter-lacquered nails. "Oh, now that jist ain't fair on y'all to be out on yer lonesome at suppertime! I bet y'all are stravin' to death. Now, I jist dun fixed up some of my specialty dish, an' I ain't got nobody to share it with. Why don't y'all come on over?" she offered with an amiable grin and a playful wink.

As Isaak began to stammer out an excuse to extricate himself, Dietrich took the opportunity for revenge on the vampire. "Why of course fraulein! We'd be absolutely delighted to join you for dinner. Wouldn't we, Isaak?" the mischievous marionettespieller informed their would-be hostess. Turning to the stricken vampire, he smiled wickedly and whispered to him, "After all, we should play along so we don't cause a disturbance, correct?"

Author's Notes: One has to pity Isaak, trying to drive a tank while his comrades behave like a bunch of bored kids on a long road trip! To be honest, I can relate to Radu and his decision to save his CDs instead of the blueprints for the weapon. After all, I'm an ardent fan of Arabic music, especially Rachid Taha! Some observant readers might recognize the joke about Isaak himself being from a trailer park in China, as well as the song he hums. Even though there is no actual basis for this in the series itself, I prefer to have Isaak being of Chinese descent in my stories. Although some readers might wonder why Isaak and Dietrich are being so civil to their new acquaintance, those two can actually be most charming and polite when they need to be. In fact, in the anime, Isaak is courteous to Abel even as they attempt to kill each other! By the way, if any of the Mandarin Chinese phrases have been inaccurately translated, please let me know. Also, what does the girl from the trailer park have in store for Dietrich and Isaak? We shall see in the next riveting installment! Please let me know what you think of the story so far!


	2. Chapter 2

**That's Hospitality- Chapter II**

Disclaimer: I do no own the Trinity Blood characters or the Velveeta trademark. They are the properties of their creators and Kraft foods.

Rated K+ (PG) for mild crude and suggestive humor.

Introduction: Greetings dear readers, and welcome to the second installment of the RCO's misadventures in the trailer park! What plans does the local girl have in store for her reluctant guests? Read on (if you dare!) to find out!

Meanwhile, back at the armored tank Radu was in the process of concocting a fiendish plan of revenge. While Cain slumbered to suppress his growing hunger, the disgruntled young vampire had decided to re-fuel the tank with some containers of diesel he had discovered nearby. Radu grinned triumphantly to himself as he surveyed the collection of heavy fuel canisters he had assembled outside the tank.

Hah, he thought, I'm finally going to ditch those two freaks Isaak and Dietrich when I make my escape. As soon as the fuel tank is full, I'll drive this old banger away from here _**without**_ the gruesome twosome! Grrr, just the thought of that simpering, mincing, limp-wristed, marionette obsessed ladyboy and that surly, snooty, chain-smoking, demon summoning weirdo really ticks me off! Now, just to celebrate my imminent freedom, I think the occasion calls for a song by the lovely Samira Saeid, thought Radu as he lowered himself into the passenger compartment and began rummaging around for his treasured CD collection.

As he shoved aside a bulky leather-bound suitcase inscribed with the von Kampfner family crest, its latches came undone and its contents tumbled out over the floor. Radu failed to suppress a gasp of astonishment. The hulking suitcase had held a multitude of expensive-looking hair gels, shampoos, conditioners, and other potions along with several pairs of ceramic hair straighteners.

"Those hypocrites!" exclaimed Radu, "How dare they give me a hard time about my CDs!"

With much trepidation, Isaak and Dietrich ascended the fold-down steps into the shabby trailer that served as their hostess's abode. As the reluctant pair stepped inside, the young woman turned to her guests. "Say, we ain't even been introduced proper! Well, you kin call me Lurleene," she informed them before throwing a coquettish look in Isaak's direction.

The vampire nearly cringed, but Dietrich spoke for both of them. "I'm known as Dietrich von Lohengrin and this is Isaak von Kampfner. Pleasure to make your acquaintance, Miss Lurleene!" he cheerily answered.

Lurleene looked quizzically at Isaak. "Ain't that funny. I woulda dun guessed you was Chinese or sumthin'."

"Your assumption was not entirely incorrect madam," answered the mage, "Although I inherited my father's title, my mother was indeed from China."

"Now, y'all jist sit yourselfs down here comfortable like," said Lurleene, gesturing towards a broken down sofa decorated with pink zebra striped cushions, "I'm gonna go put my face on, since it jist ain't proper to have gentlemen over if I don't." With that, she disappeared into the back rooms of the trailer.

Now left to their own devices, Isaak and Dietrich surveyed their surrounding with a mixture of shock, disgust, and incredulity. The walls were a sickly shade of pink, while the ruffle-adorned furniture that crowded the sitting room was patterned in a kaleidoscope of clashing prints. Every available surface seemed cluttered with menageries of porcelain animals, disorderly stacks of magazines, or jumbles of glitter-laden cosmetics.

"Wow," murmured Dietrich, "It almost makes Cain's choice of interior decorating appear tasteful."

Having briefly regained his composure, Isaak roughly seized the marionettespieller by the arm. "You insolent little creature! Why must you derive so much pleasure from seeing me suffer?! While that demented wench is occupied, now is the time to make our escape!" snarled the vampire.

However, just as he succeeded in hauling Dietrich towards the door, their hostess reappeared sporting glittering false eyelashes and neon pink gloss freshly applied to her lips. "Well, it's dun perfect!" she proudly announced, "Come on over to the eatin' table, cuz my specialty dish jist come out of the microwave." As her guests reluctantly seated themselves at the plywood table spread with a stained floral linoleum tablecloth, Miss Lurleene ceremoniously placed an enormous steaming pan in the center.

Desperately maintaining his inscrutable countenance despite the revulsion that engulfed him, Isaak stared in horror at the generous portion of misshapen meat and gelatinous blobs slathered with viscous bright yellow ooze filling his plate. Meanwhile, Dietrich gingerly prodded the mound on his plate before turning to Lurleene. "Don't mind if I ask, but what exactly are the ingredients of this, uhm, delicacy?" the irrepressible marionettespieller inquired.

"Well," Lurleene said, pausing from devouring her creation with gusto, "I use cream of mushroom soup, ketchup, mayo, macaroni, barbecue sauce, and a whole possum. 'Course, fresh possum's the best, but I dun had to use one outta my cousin's freezer since there weren't any run over today." While she beamed in satisfaction, Isaak's face began to twitch convulsively and even Dietrich blanched in shock. Upon receiving this information, the vampire instantly regretted having already ingested three spoonfuls of the possum casserole. Nausea wracked him as he felt the contents of his stomach clawing it way up his esophagus.

Impervious to his distress, Lurleene continued. "An' of course, I put a whole lotta Velveeta cheese on top of it before it goes in the microwave!"

Finally, Isaak could no longer fight down the noxious substance, and in his distraught state reverted to his native tongue. "Xishoujian zai nali!?" he shrieked.

Clasping her hands to her ample bosom, Lurleene batted her eyelashes admiringly, "Oh, I dun never heard Mandareene spoke quite so sexily as you dun talk it Herr von Kampfner!" she breathed.

"I mean, where is the bathroom!?" screeched Isaak in desperation.

"Oh, jist over thar," she said, indicating a nearby door, through which Isaak immediately bolted and slammed shut. "Well mercy me, I jist hope it weren't nuthin' he ate that made him sick," said Lurleene with a note of concern in her voice as she returned to her meal, "Now, Herr von Lohengrin, why doncha have some more?"

Inwardly giggling with sadistic glee after witnessing his mentor's undignified ordeal, Dietrich smiled politely. "That's very kind of you, but I must have forgot to tell you that I'm allergic to ketchup. Don't worry fraulein, I'll be fine with just the bread," he assured her.

As she poured a drink for her remaining guest, Lurleene cheerfully resumed the conversation. "Y'know, it's a cryin' shame I couldn't enter this here possum casserole in the cookin' competition that was goin' on earlier today."

Dietrich casually sipped his drink while pretending to be oblivious to the muffled sounds of violent retching issuing from the bathroom. "Oh dear, why ever not?" he asked.

"Well," continued Lurleene, "It was the annual 'Fried Anything Competition' that's dun held every year at this here place. You kin enter anythin', an' I do mean_ anythin' and everythin'_ that's been deep-fried. 'Course, this dish ain't qualified cuz it's microwaved, but come next year's competition I'll have perfected my special deep-fried version of possum casserole, jist you see!"

"What a quaint and charming tradition that competition is," Dietrich commented, "Best of luck to you with that new version of your recipe. It's just unfortunate that Isaak won't have the opportunity to sample it."

Just then, the disheveled vampire staggered out of the bathroom and collapsed among the zebra striped cushions on the sofa. Shivering and muttering darkly, Isaak caught a glimpse of the triumphant sneer on his protégé's adorable face. However, at that very moment Dietrich himself began to feel unwell as a horrible realization dawned upon him. Turning to Lurleene, he indicated his mostly drained glass. "Excuse me, but was that drink you served me alcoholic!?" he demanded in alarm in increasing discomfort.

"Uh-huh, that there's my Uncle Jimbo's specialty home brew," replied his hostess.

Dietrich paled as he felt his stomach convulse. Blast it, he thought, with this alcohol intolerance of mine, I should have asked that _before_ I drank that stuff! Suddenly, he could suppress the urge no longer. "Wo ist die Toilette!?" screeched Dietrich.

"Well, ain't that the darndest!" Lurleene exclaimed in surprise, "Right over there honey, an' make sure you don't make no mess on that there brand new possum fur bath mat!"

Author's Notes: Oh my goodness, that was quite a harrowing experience for the unfortunate Isaak! The description of Lurleene's "home cookin' " was pretty graphic (in fact, my beta claimed she felt sick after reading that part!), Possum meat and Velveeta cheese... an acquired taste to be sure! Although Dietrich relishes watching the torment of his long-suffering mentor, he gets his just desserts in a truly poetic twist of justice! Will Radu succeed in hi-jacking the tank? What does Lurleene also want? Who will be afflicted with food-poisoning next!? Join the RCO in the next installment of their trailer park trials and tribulations!

P.S. I realize that Isaak is not canonically Chinese. However, he is Chinese/German in all of my fics.


	3. Chapter 3

That's Hospitality- Chapter III

Disclaimer: I do not own the Trinity Blood characters or the songs mentioned in this story. They are the properties of their respective creators and artists.

Rated K+ (PG) for mild crude and suggestive humor.

Welcome, brave readers, to the third act of this tragicomic trailer park tale! In this installment, we shall leave Isaak and Dietrich to witness how Radu's treacherous plans unexpectedly go awry. Enjoy!

At that same moment, back at the tank Radu was in the process of celebrating his impending liberation from his superiors. As he hauled the final canister of diesel into place, Radu could not resist turning up the already thundering volume of this portable stereo. "Oh yeah! Youm wara youm, ah habibi, youm wara youm!" the elated young vampire sang along with the music.

However, unbeknownst to the would-be deserter, Cain lay dozing fitfully in the passenger compartment inside the tank. "Hehehe, oh stop it Abel, that tickles…" he muttered drowsily. Then, as pangs of hunger again pierced his sleep, the Crusnik tossed and turned. "Mmmm… fish and chips…I wanna have some," he whimpered as his favorite food materialized in his mind, "So greasy…so salty…oh yeah, cod went extinct centuries ago…"

Suddenly, Radu's raucous, off-key voice shattered Cain's already ethereal vision and wrenched him into wakefulness. With a snarl of fury, the Crusnik clambered out through the tank's escape hatch to inflict punishment on the impertinent individual who had dared to disturb his sleep. Just as Radu jubilantly raised the first diesel canister to begin refueling the vehicle, a clanking sound caused the vampire to turn. He gasped in alarm as his gaze met the ruby-eyed glare of the irate Crusnik perched atop the tank. Focusing a glittering ball of lightning in his palm, Cain addressed his underling with imperious menace. "You insubordinate little wretch! That was a _delicious _dream I was having and you had to go and ruin it with your idiotic caterwauling! Raheem, or whatever you're called, you must face the consequences of –"

However, just as the Crusnik prepared to hurl the lightning ball at the cowering Radu, Cain froze and intently sniffed the air. Although bemused by his leader's actions, Radu took the opportunity to defend himself. "Hey look _Sidi _(my lord), I'll turn down the volume and quit singing along, but could you at least try to get my name right?"

Even so, Cain was too enraptured by the scent to pay any heed. This aroma must have permeated my dreams, he thought, it's the unmistakable, intoxicating smell of fried food! Inhaling the evening breeze with the wild enthusiasm of a bloodhound, he deduced that the grease smell was emanating from the nearby trailer park his darling Isaak and that Terran brat were investigating. Hunger stabbed at Cain's insides with renewed vigor, and saliva practically dripped from his fang in anticipation.

Suddenly, silvery white wings exploded from his back as the Crusnik swooped down to seize the bewildered and terrified Radu before gliding away towards the location of the source of the delicious smell.

Only when he felt the ground beneath his feet did Radu dare to open his eyes. Ugh, he thought, if flying through the air wasn't freaky enough, having that crazy Crusnik grabbing me was scary too! Radu glanced around at his new surroundings. Cain had apparently landed beside a gaudily colored plastic marquee draped with a crudely stenciled banner proclaiming "The Annual Fried Anything Competition". Before he could ponder the implications of this message, Radu was hit by the stench of rancid grease. Braving the foul miasma, he stepped into the marquee where a revolting scene was spread out before him.

On the flimsy plastic tables that cluttered the tent, a myriad of deep-fried victuals formed the leftovers from the day's competition. The platters were littered with grease saturated items of every description, including shrimp, catfish, and chicken, along with entire deep-fried pizzas, burgers, and various unidentifiable pieces of meat. Deformed blobs of pasta, cheeses, and casseroles that had been deep-fried beyond recognition lurked on one table. Another table displayed the grease soaked remains of deep fried pies and cookies, as well as a disintegrating mass of fried jello. Near a sign marked "vegetarian", what appeared to be deep-fried cucumbers and shriveled lettuce occupied a platter.

In the midst of this orgy of grease-encrusted food, Cain merrily dashed from table to table while devouring the leftovers with gusto. "Oh my gosh! Fried meatloaf! And over here, deep-fried ravioli!" squealed the Crusnik in giddy delight while ravenously consuming everything he laid eyes upon. "Wow! It's like I've died and gone to heaven! Is that a whole deep-fried cheesecake? Oooh! It is!"

Overwhelmed by the nauseatingly pungent stench of grease, Radu staggered out of the marquee while cursing the fact that his brilliant scheme for freedom had been cruelly foiled by Cain's junk food craving.

Author's Notes: I'm sure Cain's penchant for fried food will come as a surprise for many readers. However, according to the novels, Cain's favorite food is fish and chips, so it's logical that he enjoys other fried delicacies! Yes, this competition is the same one Lurleene referred to in the previous chapter. By the way, some readers may remember the lightning strikes that Cain can use to torture his unfortunate victims from my other fanfictions. Please let me know what you think of the story so far, and I'll try to continue the story as soon as possible!


	4. Chapter 4

That's Hospitality-chapter IV

Disclaimer: I do not own the Trinity Blood characters. They are the property of their creators.

Rated K+ (PG) for mild crude and suggestive humor.

Introduction: Roll up, roll up, loyal readers for the fourth act of this electrifying trailer-park adventure! It's time to return to the plight of the long suffering Isaak and the irrepressible Dietrich as Radu escapes the junk-food chamber of horrors. Also, will the lovely Miss Lurleene succeed in working her charms on Isaak? Read on to find out!

Outside Miss Lurleene's trailer, Dietrich lay back on the dingy sofa riddled with rips through which the moldy stuffing protruded. He slowly breathed a languid sigh of relief. Although his irritating alcohol intolerance had caused him some embarrassment, the marionettespieller giggled softly. He recalled the look on Isaak's face when he informed the mage that he was stepping out for some fresh air, leaving the unfortunate vampire alone with their hostess.

Suddenly, Dietrich tensed in suspicion when he noticed a tall swaggering figure emerging from the surrounding gloom. "Aw man, look at what the cat coughed up, Little Miss Marionettespieller!" a familiar yet obnoxious voice called tauntingly.

Straightening up, Dietrich responded in a sneering tone, "Oh my, if it isn't the two-faced pyromaniac himself. What troubles you Radu? Did you have a tiff with your darling little Ion? Or perhaps you accidentally set fire to your CD player in the midst of a 'heated' round of karaoke?"

The dusky complexioned vampire glared murderously at his infuriatingly flippant nemesis. "Yeah, you think you're sooo cute, but you've got it comin' ladyboy…" he growled to himself. "Hey, where's Isaak?" he asked Dietrich.

Sniggering while daintily raising a hand to his mouth, Dietrich pointed at the nearby trailer. "Oh, Isaak and I were invited to dine with a charming young fraulein. Unfortunately, her cooking didn't agree with his sensitive digestive system," he said with a smirk.

The young vampire shrugged. "Heh, it actually serves Isaak right y'know. Think of all the times he forced us to eat his 'special' sauerkraut Chinese pot stickers," he recalled. Then, he felt himself succumb to another wave of nausea brought on by the grease fumes. "Come to think of it, that grease smell is making me feel kinda sick too," muttered Radu.

As he lurched up the trailer's steps, Dietrich tugged at his arm. "Excuse me, but what are you up to?! Isaak and Lurleene would probably appreciate some privacy right now!" he protested.

Radu clutched his stomach and whimpered in reply, "Cut it out! I think I'm gonna- "

Meanwhile, inside the trailer Isaak lay slumped on the sofa while attempting to calm his lacerated nerves following his humiliating ordeal. As he extracted a cigarillo from the packet he unfailingly kept in his coat pocket, Isaak found the flame from a glittery pink lighter strategically positioned to ignite it. Taking a deep breath of nicotine infused smoke, the beleaguered vampire turned to find Lurleene seated next to him. "Thank you, madam," he murmured, "It seems something in that dish didn't sit well."

Lighting her own cigarette, Lurleene affectionately patted her guest's shoulder as she inched closer towards him. "Oh I jist feel awful about that there indisposition of yers! Since you ain't feelin' so good, it'd jist wouldn't be ladylike if I gone dun turn you out this late at night," she expressed, placing her hands on Isaak's knee. Then, as the pair simultaneously reached towards the ashtray on the cluttered coffee table, their hands lightly brushed. Blushing, Lurleene glanced flirtatiously up at Isaak's inscrutable visage.

Inwardly, the vampire tensed as he observed her actions, and speculated with increasing apprehension about her ulterior motives. "Considering the hospitality you have shown my, uhm, colleague and me, it would be terribly ungracious of us to impose on you further," he assured her.

However, as Isaak attempted to take leave of the sofa, his hostess grasped his slender wrist. "Oh Herr von Kampfner! It jist ain't fair! It's dun got so late, it ain't right if you don't spend the night here," she implored, gazing seductively into the vampire's dark slanted eyes, "I'll be so lonely if you don't. Now, the sofa's none too comfy, but even though my bed's small- "

Suddenly, the flimsy door of the trailer was violently flung open and a tall angular figure stood silhouetted in the frame. "Ain al-hammaam!?" bellowed the intruder.

Although the startled Lurleene leapt from the sofa in fright, Isaak immediately recognized the booming voice. "Radu, I have never been more grateful to see you!" exclaimed the relieved mage.

However, Radu was too preoccupied to comment. "Lady, I mean, where's the bathroom!? Seriously, I've gotta…!" demanded the vampire in desperation.

Lurleene shook her head in disbelief. "Y'know, that's the third time I dun been asked that very same question today, and in the third language too!" she said, before directing him towards the appropriate door. "Now, Herr von Kampfner," she began as she turned around to find that the object of her affections had mysteriously vanished. With a sigh of annoyance, Lurleene placed her hands on her broad hips. "Well, that there jist wasn't polite!" she grumbled.

Author's Notes: Goodness me, Isaak certainly had a narrow escape in this installment! Who knows what would have transpired if Radu had not made his entrance when he did…! Hmm, perhaps Isaak and Lurleene could make an, erm, unusual couple, but the affection seems pretty one-sided. In case anyone was wondering, "Ain al-hammaam" does mean "Where is the bathroom" in Arabic. Since Radu is reportedly Egyptian, it stands to reason that Arabic is his native tongue. Will Isaak succeed in thwarting Lurleene's amorous advances? What has Cain been up to during the intervening time? Will anybody else need to use the bathroom?! Join the intrepid RCO next time and find out!


	5. Chapter 5

That's Hospitality- chapter V

Disclaimer: I do not own the Trinity Blood characters. They are the property of their creators.

Rated K (PG) for mild crude and suggestive humor.

Introduction: Welcome, fearless readers, to the penultimate installment of the RCO's harrowing misadventures. Having just eluded their hostess, what do Isaak and Dietrich intend to do next? Also, what has become of their fearsome leader Cain? In addition, the problem of re-fuelling their armored tank still remains unresolved! Join our intrepid heroes (errr, villains, technically) and find out!

A Note Addressed to Concerned Readers: I sincerely apologize for the lengthy delay in updating this story. My internet connection was unexpectedly cut off a few weeks ago, and only recently have I been able to reconnect. I can assure you that the wait is over. Please enjoy!

At the sound of the trailer's door being thrown open, Dietrich whirled around to see his mentor frantically scrambling down the steps with an expression of horror and panic on his usually emotionless face. Stifling a wicked giggle, the marionettespieller apprehended the traumatized vampire. "Oh my, did fraulein Lurleene succeed in working her feminine wiles upon you?" he tittered.

Isaak shot a murderous glare at his irreverent protégé. "Be quiet, you impertinent little wretch. That lascivious wench was attempting to take advantage of me in my weakened state," snarled the indignant mage. "Hmmm…If that imbecile Radu is here, then where is Lord Cain?"

Dietrich tapped his cheek thoughtfully, "Ah yes, before he barged in there Radu said that Cain had flown here to find that 'Fried Anything' competition. Apparently, mein Herr is over in that big plastic tent, happily indulging his junk food craving as we speak," recalled Dietrich as he gestured towards the nearby pennant draped marquee.

Upon receiving this information, Isaak was yet again gripped with dread. Even if Cain is a nearly omnipotent Crusnik, he thought in alarm while he raced towards the marquee, when mein Herr succumbs to one of his junk food cravings, he'll undoubtedly binge and irreparably ruin his health as well as his exquisitely toned figure! As the distraught vampire tore the tent flaps asunder, a horrifying scene met his eyes.

On the dingy floor of the marquee and surrounded by ransacked tables, Cain lolled among the remains of the numerous fried edibles strewn around him. An intoxicated grin was spread across the Crusnik's angelic face as he languidly reached for the sole surviving slice of fried cheesecake. Suddenly, Cain was snapped from his junk food induced reverie when a shrill shriek of dismay slashed through the air.

Peering in the direction of the marquee's entrance, he was amazed to find Isaak sprinting towards him. "Oh good heavens mein Herr! Please, I beg of you, don't eat that!" wailed the distraught vampire, "Just how much fried food have you consumed in here!? Oh mein Herr, think of your health. If not for your sake, then for mine! Just put that fried cheesecake down and think about what you're doing!"

With an exasperated snort, Cain promptly crammed the grease-soaked wedge of cheesecake into his mouth and glared indignantly at his mage. "Hrumph! Like, what's the deal Isaak?" demanded the annoyed Crusnik through a mouthful of greasy cream cheese, "Can't I have my trans fat if you get to guzzle wine and chain smoke!?" Taken aback and confounded by the logic of his master's statement, Isaak began stammering out a response.

However, he was interrupted as Dietrich and Radu bounded into the tent. "All right smarty-pants, so you're tellin' me you didn't find any fuel for the big tin can on wheels?" Radu mockingly taunted Dietrich, "Man, at least I 'borrowed' some cans of diesel to fill her up while you and that squinty-eyed boyfriend of yours were just goofing around."

The marionettespieller bristled. "You're quite the genius, aren't you," he retorted, "That armored tank requires _bio-diesel,_ not regular diesel. Also, don't you dare make any ridiculous assumptions about my relationship with Isaak!"

The commotion distracted Isaak and Cain from their dispute and forced them to consider the reason for their predicament. "Huh, cans of diesel?" mused Cain, "So that's what that oaf Rashad was messing about with. Hey, if that stuff won't work, then how do we plan on getting out of this place before the AX spy planes find us?"

"Couldn't he at least _try_ to get my name right?" Radu grumbled.

Reaching into the pocket of his coat, Isaak produced the manual for their armored vehicle and began flicking through the pages. As long as it's dark, he thought, the tank will remain inconspicuous here among the other large mobile homes and trucks in the trailer park. However, if we don't leave this tonight, he told himself, the spy planes will undoubtedly notice the tank parked here in broad daylight. With a shiver of revulsion, Isaak also realized that if they remained stranded he would be forced to spend the night with Miss Lurleene.

As the vampire contemplated this, he scarcely noticed when Dietrich plucked the manual from his hands. "Hmmm…Let's see now," muttered his protégé as he scanned through the slightly battered book, "Ah, the section about fuel! Now listen to this! According to this manual, the tank is designed to run on many different bio-fuels, including waste cooking oil. I believe we have a solution!" he triumphantly declared.

Scrutinizing the page over Dietrich's shoulder, Isaak felt hope leap within him. "Yes, if we could find the waste grease from this monumental fry-up, it would make an excellent fuel for the tank. If only this veritable reservoir of grease could be located…" he announced.

Just then, a voice caused the argumentative group to turn their collective attention in the direction of the tent's entrance. "Hey, 'scuse me, but what y'all doin' in here?" inquired Lurleene as she stepped into the marquee. After casting a puzzled glance at the assembled persons, she strode boldly up to Isaak and reproachfully addressed her fugitive guest, "Well now Herr von Kampfner, that there runnin' off jist wasn't real polite of you! An' jist when we was gettin' properly acquainted!"

Isaak momentarily considered summoning his shadow demons to permanently remove the deranged wench who continued to blight his existence. However, he suddenly realized that she could be instrumental in their plans for escape. "Madam, I apologize, but I had to depart when it became apparent that my superior was putting himself in grave danger," explained the vampire in the most civil tone he could maintain.

A look of bafflement crossed Lurleene's features. "Huh? There ain't nuthin' dangerous about eatin' them there fried specialties…" she said.

"Now Ms. Lurleene, my colleagues and I have an urgent question," Isaak began, swiftly changing the subject, "Do you know the whereabouts of the waste grease that was produced during the 'Fried Anything' competition?"

Lurleene scratched her head at the unusual request. "Hmmm…Well, I dun think the big ol' vat of the stuff is 'round the back of this here big tent," she offered gamely.

"Thanks for the tip-off lady!" yelled Radu as he and the rest of the Rozenkreuz Orden wasted no time in stampeding out of the tent. A bewildered Lurleene glanced around at the suddenly deserted space.

"Huh, now what was that there all about?" she muttered to herself.

Author's Notes: The members of the RCO have been reunited at long last! The interaction between Cain and his long-suffering subordinate Isaak was particularly amusing in this installment. Although my beta maintains that the funniest line is Isaak's thoughts about Cain "ruining his exquisitely toned figure", in my opinion Cain's comeback response to Isaak's protests is a comedic gem. (Did any readers detect a tint of CxI?) Will Isaak's ingenious plan to refuel their tank using the waste grease succeed? Will the RCO be able to drag their leader away from the seductive scent of grease? What does Lurleen make of all this? All will be revealed in the climatic installment of this gripping, romantic, and (literally) stomach-churning adventure!


	6. Chapter 6

That's Hospitality- chapter 6

Disclaimer: I do not own the Trinity Blood characters. They are the property of their creators.

Rated K (PG) for mild crude and suggestive humor.

Introduction: Welcome, my loyal and brave readers, to the final installment of this gripping adventure! Will Isaak's cunning plan to refuel the tank utilizing an environmentally sound method succeed? Also, will Lurleen's one-sided affection ever be returned? Furthermore, expect to see Cain play a pivotal role in the thrilling (and unexpected) climax of the action! However, I would discourage any expectations about Dietrich and Radu overcoming their differences. All will be resolved as the tale reaches its dramatic finale!

Under the cloud marbled night sky, a monolithic cistern made of grimy steel loomed before the assembled members of the Rozenkreuz Orden. Cain sighed and crossed his arms. "Oooh…I can't believe you dragged me away from that divine banquet just to sit around and stare at this grungy old thing…" grumbled the bored Crusnik.

Stepping towards the massive vessel, Isaak cautiously tapped its metallic side. "It does appear to be filled with liquid, which is most likely the waste grease we have been searching for," he reported, "Which according to the tank's manual, will serve as fuel for our vehicle."

Dietrich mounted the ladder propped on the side of the cistern. "Let's find out what the contents are. There's sure to be some sort of vent one can look through," he called. While their leader remained sulking on the ground, Isaak and Radu joined the marionettespieller on the roof.

Directing a flashlight beam through a vent in the silo's roof, the trio peered down at the viscous waste grease sloshing against the steel walls. Isaak clasped a lace edged handkerchief to his mouth as the foul vapors drifted up.

With a triumphant grin, Radu turned to Dietrich. "Check it out ladyboy, see who figured out how to fuel the tank? Not you cupcake! Before you know it, we'll be long gone from this run-down dump," he sneered.

Ignoring the jibes as an unsettling thought spread through his mind, Dietrich spoke up, "Even though we've located the fuel, how do we intend to bring the tank here in order to refuel it?" he pointed out. An awkward moment of silence followed as each shifted his gaze uncomfortably.

Just then, the trio started as Cain's imperious voice rang out from below. "What a pathetic and _unimaginative_ bunch of minions you are! If the tank can't come to the fuel, then the fuel shall come to the tank!" announced the Crusnik. Focusing the fearsome strength of his symbiotic nanomachines, Cain felt power swelling within his body. A pair of glistening silver-white burst forth from his back while the Crusnik's muscles expanded and rippled, shredding his silk shirt in the process. With a roar of exhilaration, Cain launched himself into flight before swooping towards the grease filled silo. Speechless with awe, Dietrich, Radu, and Isaak looked on as the Crusnik seized the handles on the roof of the cistern and hoisted the entire structure, along with its "passengers", into the air! With a squeak of terror, Dietrich leaped onto Isaak and clung to his equally astonished mentor. Holding fast to the silo, Cain flew through the night in the direction of their tank.

Glancing over the side of the cistern at the ground rushing by far beneath, Radu gripped the roof with the determination of a limpet. It's weird all right, thought the young vampire, but it isn't half as creepy as when Cain grabbed me and went zooming around last time.

As they approached their hulking armored vehicle stationed on the outskirts of the trailer park, Cain descended and slanted the silo at a sharp angle, causing the three to slide off and land in an undignified heap on the ground. Still holding onto the cistern, Cain addressed his subordinates as they disentangled themselves. "Listen up Rasul! Open the fuel tank's cover! You two, make sure the vent on top of the silo is open!" ordered the Crusnik.

"Geez, can't he get my name right once?" Radu complained as he dutifully threw open the cover of the vehicle's fuel tank. Beating his wings with exertion, Cain tipped the huge cistern towards the open fuel inlet, sending a steaming cascade of noxious waste grease pouring from the vent into the fuel tank.

From a safe distance, the trio watched in amazement. Isaak shook his head in disbelief. "Even though he might be a deranged megalomaniac psychopath, one must admit that Cain certainly has style," remarked the vampire before they started back towards the tank.

"Hey Isaak! Where are my extra shirts?" Cain whined as he and his minions clambered into their newly replenished vehicle.

Seating himself in the control room, Isaak sighed at his irrepressible master. "Mein Herr, I believe the only clean shirts are the Hawaiian print ones in your extra suitcase!" he shouted in reply before cautiously firing the tank's ignition. A nearly seismic rumble reverberated from the bowels of the tank as sparks and flames shot from the tailpipe.

"Oh no!" gasped Dietrich in alarm, "Don't tell me the fuel wasn't compatible!" Suddenly, the tank almost reared into the air like a startled horse and took off with the speed of a rocket! With the rapid acceleration, Dietrich, Radu, and Cain were thrown violently against the back wall of the passenger compartment along with the luggage. "Ah, the fuel did indeed work," Dietrich concluded as he crawled out from beneath a picnic hamper.

At that very moment, Lurleene was despondently plodding home through the trailer park. Still baffled and vaguely offended by the object of her affection's cavalier actions, she idly kicked at one of the numerous empty beer cans strewn across the patchy grass. Then, a tremendous roaring and clanking racket caused Lurleene to whirl around to see the Rozenkreuz Orden's tank barreling towards her. With a shriek of alarm, the astonished young woman scrambled out of the armored beast's path.

However, as Lurleene watched in amazement, the tank slowed and a familiar figure emerged from the tank's hatch. "Ah, Ms. Lurleene! May I extend my gratitude to you for assisting my colleagues and I!" Isaak shouted to her.

Tears of joy welled in Lurleene's cornflower blue eyes. "Aw, yer welcome Herr von Kampfner! You jist don't know how happy you dun made lil' ol' Lurleene!" she called back, "Oh Herr von Kampfner, you dun think we'll ever see each other again?"

The vampire smiled enigmatically. "Of course, _chufei taiyong cong xibian chulai_ (if the sun should rise from the West)!" he replied.

"Oh, there you dun go with that there sexy Mandareene talk of yers again!" squealed Lurleene in delight.

With a regal wave, Isaak addressed his admirer once again, "I sincerely thank you Ms. Lurleene!"

Before the tank resumed its speed, Radu's face appeared at the hatch. "HASTA LA VISTA HABIBI!!!" he yelled, after which he abruptly aimed a kick below. "Hey! Cut it out Dietrich!" snarled Radu as the sounds of malicious giggles issued from within the tank. Then, the lumbering armored tank rocketed off into the night, leaving Lurleene alone beneath the now star-speckled sky.

As she watched the tank vanish out of sight, Lurleene sighed admiringly, "Now that Herr von Kampfner, that's what I call a real gentleman!"

Author's Notes: What a dramatic finale! One has to admire Cain's proactive attitude in bringing the fuel to the tank. In fact, perhaps the copious calories from the Crusnik's recent fried food binge provided the extra energy for his transformation. I especially like the last (?) encounter between Lurleene and the focus of her unrequited desire. Isaak's clever response to her question tactfully left the answer up to her imagination. Although she might have failed in working her charms upon the sophisticated half-Chinese vampire, I'm actually quite fond of Lurleene as a character. Even though she might be simple-minded and rustic with a very unconventional style of cooking, Lurleene obviously has a kind and amiable nature and means no harm in her actions. In addition, our trailer-dwelling heroine is a refreshing change from the infamous Mary Sues that plague many (though certainly not all) stories featuring original characters. In fact, I like to regard Lurleene as a "Mary-Contrary Sue" due to her endearing flaws! Furthermore, I would like to sincerely thank all of the loyal readers who have followed the RCO's trailer park adventures and given me much encouragement and positive reviews. As our heroine might say, "See y'all around!"


End file.
